A DOG RESCUE'S ANSWERING MACHINE

Press 1* if you have a 10-year-old dog and your 15-year-old son has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home right away.

Press 2* if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150 pound, 8-year-old dog.

Press 3* if you have three dogs, had a baby and want to get rid of your dogs because you are the only person in the world to have a baby and dogs at the same time.

Press 4* if you just got a brand new puppy and your old dog is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.

Press 5* if your little puppy has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

Press 6* if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home TODAY and pick up the dog you no longer want.

Press 7* if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your dog.

Press 8* if your dog is sick and needs a vet but you need the money for your vacation.

Press 9* if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy who is not active and is going to outlive you.

Press 10* if your relative has died and you don't want to care for their elderly dog because it doesn't fit your lifestyle.

Press 11* if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I have to go to work so you can drop a dog off on your way to work.

Press 12* to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have left a dog in our yard in the middle of January, which is in fact, better than just leaving the dog with no message.

Press 13* if you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your dog that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not our responsibility.

Press 14* if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog to be euthanized because I won't take it.

Press 15* if you're going to get angry because the volunteers had the audacity to go on vacation and leave the dogs in care of a trusted volunteer who is not authorized to take your personal pet.

Press 16* if you want one of our PERFECTLY trained, housebroken, kid and cat friendly purebred dogs that we have an abundance of.

Press 17* if you want us to take your dog that has a slight aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor's cats.

Press 18* if you have already called once and been told we don't take personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this time with a different answer.

Press 19* if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to board your personal dog while you are on vacation, free of charge, of course.

Press 20* if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to deliver an eight week old puppy to your house by 6:30 am before your kids wake up.

Press 21* if you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.

Press 22* if you want us to take your female dog who has already had ten litters, but we can't spay her because she is pregnant again and it is against your religion.

Press 23* if you're lying to make one of our younger volunteers feel bad and take your personal pet off your hands.

Press 24* if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because it is declawed, but you are not willing to accept the responsibility that the cat's behavior is altered because of your nice furniture.

Press 25* if your two year old male dog is marking all over your house but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered.

Press 26* if you previously had an outdoor only dog and are calling because she is suddenly pregnant.

Press 27* if you have done "everything" to housebreak your dog and have had no success but you don't want to crate the dog because it is cruel.

Press 28* if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are also working and you are angry because no one called you back.

Press 29* if you need a puppy immediately and cannot wait because today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.

Press 30* if your dog's coat doesn't match your new furniture and you need a           different color or breed

different color or breed.